We’re nearing the end of 2022 and what a journey this year has been! I feel like this is the year I got to know myself on a deeper level: facing my mental health challenges head on and rediscovering my faith.

I started this year off “in a dark place”. My brain fog and unbeknownst to me at the time, my depression, threatened to suffocate me. The only thing getting me out of bed every morning was my son. And then it felt like divine intervention kicked in when my friend somewhat randomly asked me to coffee and I broke down and shared with her everything I was going through and she shared her experience with antidepressants and urged me not to be afraid. I really do feel like some people are angels in your life, and she was mine.

Although terrified, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist through Talkspace. My psychiatrist was patient, kind, and listened to everything I was saying and asked thoughtful questions. She diagnosed me with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder with “ADHD and OCD tendencies”. The anxiety made sense to me, but I was a little shocked about the depression diagnosis. She explained that I was dopamine deficient and because of my anxiety, all the chemicals in my brain fire off too quickly in the mornings, leaving me with that brain fog affect around noon. She gave me a few medication options, but suggested Wellbutrin to help with my dopamine deficiency, depression, and anxiety and then Strattera to help with focus.

I’ll never forget what a huge thing it felt like, taking medication for the first time. I took a picture, sent it to my friend and texted her: “Here I go!” and ever since it’s been life-changing.

It takes about 6-8 weeks to see the full effects of antidepressant medication. I kept a daily journal and logged what time I took it and my mood throughout the day and any side-effects. I limited caffeine and stopped drinking alcohol. It was difficult hanging on and working through those side effects, but when I came out the other side, it was worth everything.

For the first time in my life, I felt “normal”. The medication stabilized my stress response so that I wouldn’t experience anxiety and have “an episode” where I completely meltdown. I would experience a normal and healthy amount of anxiety and sadness, but it wouldn’t totally control my day. In the past, my emotions controlled me and now, I feel like I have more control over what I’m feeling. With my dopamine receptors back in action, I was able to finally tackle all the little things that I couldn’t before. For example, without dopamine, doing laundry or dishes and any administrative tasks felt like climbing Mount Everest. Now it feels normal: it feels like a load of laundry, or a load of dishes. Overall, my mood stabilized. My appetite changed: in the past, I craved carbs and sugar because those foods give us a hit of dopamine. Because of my dopamine deficiency, I sought out those foods and it affected my weight management. With my dopamine regulated, I was able to eat healthier and find joy in it. I was finally eating for the right reasons and not because I needed dopamine. As a result, I lost 20lbs of extra weight I was carrying from my pregnancy 2 years ago. (I’ll caveat that at the same time I started medication, I also started going to Pure Barre routinely, so my weight loss was a result of the combination of getting my mental health in order, eating nutritiously, and doing low-impact workouts 3-4x a week.)

The most important thing to me is that being on medication has made me a better mother, wife, daughter, and friend. I feel like my relationships improved because I feel less anxiety overall.

The reason why I talk about being on medication so openly is because I know that there’s still a stigma around medication. There are also a lot of misconceptions around medication. Such as, being on medication will turn you into a zombie or dull your creativity, etc. That’s why it’s so important to work closely with a psychiatrist to find the right medication for you and the right dosage. There’s definitely still an old world stigma when it comes to medication. It’s wild that there’s no stigma around saying that you’re on high blood pressure medication but there’s a stigma around saying you’re on medication to balance out the chemicals in your brain. That’s why I talk so openly about it: I hope that it helps someone see that there’s nothing wrong with needing it.

I also got baptized as a Christian! On November 20, I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. The Bible comforts me. This past Easter, my friend Olivia invited me and our family to her church and I was hooked every since. Most Sundays we go together and it’s a lot of fun. Our church has a great, welcoming and accepting community. It’s family oriented and exactly what I needed in this season of life! I’m just happy. I feel a weight lifted, as if when I accepted Him, Jesus took some of the heaviness I was feeling. I learned that faith is an important part of my mental health toolkit. I also think that talking about faith is so personal. I don’t really share too much about it, but I am excited when I find a line of scripture that really calls to me.

My friend Liv read two verses during my Baptism:

Jesus spoke to them again: “I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows me will never walk in the darkness but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

”Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13

I felt that these were relevant to my faith story. I want to get them framed for my office! It was such a special day and so powerful to experience my baptism as an adult.

I’m thankful for so much this year, too much to write. But if I can pick the main points, it would be finally getting my mental health in check and rediscovering my faith as an important part of my mental health toolkit.

I’m thankful for our little family, our health, our farm, our animals. I’m thankful that John and I both have jobs we love and that help us pay the bills. I’m thankful for a sweet (and sometimes sour) toddler who is a light in our lives. I’m thankful that we’re — for the most part — healthy. Archie brings home the occasional weird virus back from school that usually runs rampant in our house for about a week or two, but isn’t that a normal part of being a parent to young children? 😆

Our Thanksgiving was quiet this year. We didn’t do anything grand with extended family, we’ve been so busy that we decided to have a quiet day to ourselves. And it was perfect! Our version of perfect. 😊