If you’re someone who knows me well, you know I really struggle with flying…✈️ which is totally ironic as someone who has flown and still flies a lot.

I guess when you struggle with anxiety, it doesn’t matter how many times you do it, it actually doesn’t get easier. It’s not a fear. I think when you’re afraid of something, it’s different. For example, I was afraid of needles and spiders. My fear of needles sort of went away when we lived in Thailand and I got bit by a monkey and needed rabies shots. I feel like I had that fear sort of slapped away from me. I had a fear of spiders but then we had a wolf spider infestation (NOT FUN) in our house and after experiencing that, I have to say I’m sort of okay with spiders now. 🕷

But flying…yeah, that’s anxiety. Something about being in a metal tube in the air just ends me. I’m always face pressed into the window staring at the ground in bewilderment.

Anyway! I recently went to the Bay Area for less than 36 hours (lol) for work and it was really great! My co-worker offered to have me stay with his family and then to drive down to work together the next morning. It was fun to be able to spend time with his wife, who is just lovely and was also a guest on my podcast! Their kids are so precious and it was so much nicer than staying at a lonely hotel.

After a long day of work, my coworker graciously dropped me off at the airport for a red-eye flight home. I thought I was going to be able to sleep on the plane, but my anxiety got the best of me. It kept me wired and alert the whole time, which sometimes happens. I could have taken medication to go to sleep — but I was nervous about taking something that could potentially lower my blood pressure because I was already feeling a little dizzy from a busy few days. I binge watched some shows: Handmaid’s Tale and Love is Blind Season 3, and I also did some creative writing.

I used to write so much as a child and was a practice that brought me so much joy. I’ve been working that muscle again, trying to take time each week to write.

I was so anxious to get home. I kept looking out the window, imaging Archie’s face. I remember feeling such a deep desire to have him in my arms. It’s so funny I used to be terrified of people reading my poetry. I still am a little bit, I think it’s only natural to feel a bit like a fraud and vulnerable putting your art out there. But I think I love writing and sharing my story more than my fear of judgement from other people…

the stars and the lights from the cities 

high above, high above me

i know i should probably be sleeping

but I’m too busy, thinking about returning home to you

deep breaths

proof that i’m alive, i’m here

that choking feeling creeping

your smile, so white, big and innocent

i’m returning home to you

your eyes

big brown warm and inviting 

your skin

delicate and perfect and unmarred from life’s horrors 

i hope i can protect you from

it feels like im writing you three letters in one

im scared, im excited, im waiting

For my feet to touch the ground

good God solid earth the way He intended 

But I do this all for you

To give you the life I always wished for 

And as a little girl set my heart out for

Heart

Feeling too much

Too fast too soon too strong

I love you my sweet boy

I’ll be home soon 

Thanks for reading :)