There are some moments in your life that you wish you could just bottle up. Sometimes when there’s a quiet moment, usually in bed when I’m trying to fall asleep, I try to remember the moment that Archie came crying into the world and was placed onto my chest.

I just remember his muted little cry. I don’t remember much after that. I remember crying and laughing and exclaiming how cute he was. I think I remember repeating, “He’s soooo cute!” over and over again. It was seriously a moment of true euphoria. I remember being impressed with his first latch onto my nipple for milk. His tiny little mouth, his tiny little body, I barely knew how to hold him. I remember being desperately worried that he was going to suffocate while breastfeeding.

I can’t believe that it’s been nearly 6 months and I haven’t sat down to write our birth story. In my defense, a lot has happened since then. Honestly, I wasn’t sure “which version” of the story I wanted to tell. The love story? The sad story? The scary story? I decided that I’m going to try and tell all it - mostly because - I don’t want to forget it.

It was a shock when I failed the gestational diabetes test at 22 weeks pregnant with Archie. I wasn’t over weight, didn’t have diabetes previously, and even my doctor expressed that I wasn’t the “typical candidate” (thank you genetics!). At 22 weeks and through the remainder of my pregnancy, I had to eat a strict low-carb, no sugar diet and inject myself with insulin every night before going to sleep. It was hard. I cried multiple times injecting myself with insulin. I remember running out of places to poke myself with the needle, switching thighs every night. If at the end it meant I would be holding a healthy little boy than it all felt worth it.

The Hospital

Fast forward to 39 weeks: baby Archer was perfect but the doctors felt strongly that they should induce me before my due date because of potential complications with my gestational diabetes. So, to the hospital we went!

I was admitted to Hunterdon Medical Center on June 2nd. The hospital staff warned us ahead of time that because of the pandemic, we wouldn’t be allowed to leave our room or the hospital. If John had to leave the hospital, we wasn’t allowed to come back in. John and I are experts at packing after having traveled so much in the last few years, so we were prepared to spend the week there if we had to. We brought everything from a cooler full of food to both the PS4 and Nintendo Switch. The nurses were impressed with our set up! It must have looked like we were packed for vacation, except at the end of this vacation we’d get a baby!

One thing I’m always asked is if we had a birth plan and the answer is: we did not. For a second, I noodled on an all-natural drug-free birth. I surveyed a lot of moms in my network and nearly everyone who did natural birth encouraged me to get the epidural. They said that once it was time to push, they were so exhausted and delirious from the pain that they barely had any energy and afterwards found it hard to truly enjoy their first moments with baby. Everyone’s experience is so different and I respect and honor that. I made the decision to get the epidural, but I also kept my mind open that if I didn’t want it, I would let myself go down that route as well. My birth plan was essentially to keep an open mind!

Something that I learned from all the travel that we did is that things almost always don’t go according to plan. I felt like birth was one of those things that in the moment I probably couldn’t control, so I decided to let go and let whatever would be would be. I trusted my OBGYN/Obstetrics practice, I had a great relationship with my team of doctors, so I felt confident going on that they would help make the best decisions for my and baby’s health. I actually feel like being chill about the entire process made the experience really fun and is the reason why looking back, I have such a positive memory of Archie’s birth.

The first thing the doctor did was check to see how dilated I was. I was only dilated 1 cm so I was given medication to soften my cervix. I was so excited to get the process moving! I thought the process would happen a lot faster than it did. I felt some contractions, but not a lot. It wasn’t as painful as it was supposed to be. The process of checking my cervix and giving me medication continued through out the day, and then throughout the night. The next morning, there was still no progress. I was having more painful contractions but I still wasn’t dilatating. I distinctively remember having a little breakdown around hour 34 or 36. I was exhausted from the contractions and being hooked up to all these machines and an IV in my arm. I was scared — I felt so weak and I remember asking the nurse, “What if I’m not strong enough to push?” It was a true fear!

Shortly after my breakdown, the contractions were getting more powerful and I asked for the epidural. There was a wait for the epidural — thank God I asked for it when I did. While I waited, they gave me a medication that would help “take the edge off”. I slept for a little bit, and when I woke up, I was given the epidural. This was the part that I had been dreading for MONTHS. I was more nervous about the epidural than I was about labor!

The epidural procedure was quick and easy. I sat up straight on the bed and the nurse held me still while the needle was inserted. I asked her about her day and what she had for breakfast. It’s my little way of distracting myself, and she caught on to what I was doing and kept talking. Honestly, all of my nurses were amazing. I have no complaints. I felt truly cared for throughout the whole process.

After the epidural was inserted is where my memory goes foggy. I think I laid down and took another short nap and woke up to my water breaking. I remember thinking, FINALLY! It finally felt like things were moving along!

Giving Birth

The weirdest part is that I remember feeling Archie’s head move down and I was like gasping for breathe because the pressure was so intense. My nurse came in to take my blood pressure and I remember looking at her and telling her that I felt like I needed to push. She checked my cervix and I remember her eyes going wide and she said something along the lines of, “Oh yeah, it’s time, I need to get the doctor.” She called for other nurses and I blinked and there were a ton of nurses in the room, a Resident, and the doctor came zooming in. Everyone helped me get propped up and it was time to push!

This is the part where seriously — looking back on it — felt like pure magic. It was like a dance, trying to find the rhythm between the contractions, the exhaustion, and the pushing. Looking back, it feels like an out of body experience. With every push, I gave it all I had. I remember visualizing him coming out each time I felt like I couldn’t push anymore. There was a moment where the Doctor said that if he didn’t come out in the next push or two that she was going to cut me open. For some reason, that totally freaked me out and in my head I remember thinking, “He’s coming out before she has to cut me.” She was turning around to get the knife or scissors or whatever and I remember pushing really hard and — boom! Archie came out! It felt like magic. I remember feeling like a powerful Goddess.

I think a lot of people try to scare you about birth. It was exhausting and it was painful but it was an incredible experience. If I could give any woman advice who’s about to give birth for the first time…

• It’s okay to be scared

• Visualize your baby coming out while you push

• Channel your inner Goddess

This is going to sound crazy but I could imagine doing it all over again!

Coming Home

Pregnancy was beautiful. Birth was magical. Coming home was…awful.

Okay, this is the part of the story that I didn’t want to tell.

When I came home from the hospital, my entire body erupted into hives as if I was having a several allergic reaction. I was in so much pain. Allergy medications did nothing, creams did nothing, and after days of suffering I called my doctor sobbing with a crying newborn in the background asking for help. She immediately sent me steroids, which only helped marginally at first. I had developed PUPPP (Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy), which is caused by hormonal changes in the body. I went on a rabbit hole of reading clinical abstracts, and the real cause of it is unknown but it’s more common with pregnancies that are male and who have gestational diabetes, in which I had both. Although it usually goes away upon birth, in rare 15% of cases it affects women postpartum. Seems like I was one of the “lucky” ones.

Not only was I dealing with this severe allergic reaction but I was also dealing with Postpartum Anxiety (PPA). Before giving birth, I was actually really worried about developing Post Partum Depression. As someone with a history of anxiety and panic attacks, I never thought of and never even heard of Postpartum Anxiety. The signs of PPA (according to Healthline Parenthood) are:

• constant or near-constant worry that can’t be eased

• feelings of dread about things you fear will happen

• sleep disruption (yes, this is a hard one to pick out, since a newborn means your sleep will be disrupted even without having anxiety — but think of this as waking up or having trouble sleeping at times when your baby’s sleeping peacefully)

• racing thoughts

• fatigue

• heart palpitations

• hyperventilation

• sweating

• nausea or vomiting

• shakiness or trembling

Apparently PPA can also lead to postpartum OCD, in which you may have obsessive, recurring thoughts about harm or even death befalling your baby.

Yup. I had all of that. I felt like I was walking in a constant nightmare.

I was intensely afraid of everything and was extremely anxious of Archie getting hurt. I was nervous about my own husband holding him. I had developed this crazy paranoia that had me not sleeping, not eating, I just wanted to hold Archie and I didn’t want anyone else nearby. I was scared to walk up and down the stairs with him so we lived out of the living room for almost 4 weeks. He slept (poorly) in a pack’n’play and I watched The Office and the Great British Bakeoff all night while he slept. I got maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a day, John would watch him in the early morning hours and the rest of the day I was awake, anxious, paranoid. I remember laying awake in the middle of the night, tears streaming down my face and texting/Instagramming other moms asking if this was normal. I distinctly remember crying, messaging one of my friends who has 4 kids, asking how did she do it because this feeling of dread is absolutely terrible.

Looking back, I should have talked to my doctor for medication. I was a wreck. At the time, I was already on steroids for my PUPPPS, taking allergy medication, and taking vitamins and probiotics to help restore my gut health. I think I was just “medication’d” out. I do think I needed something for my anxiety because I wasn’t able to truly enjoy the newborn stage. If there is one thing I regret about the early days, it’s that I should have gotten help. I don’t think I needed to suffer as much as I did. If I could give any new mom advice on the subject of PPA, it’s don’t hesitate to get the help you need. Have a mental health counselor lined up to coach you through.

Archie was a great newborn. He wasn’t overly fussy, he slept, he ate-well. I pretty much exclusively breastfed him for the first 4-6 weeks. We introduced formula here and there but he didn’t care much for it — he wanted the boob! I felt lucky that breastfeeding was easy for us. He latched quickly at the hospital and from then on loved breast milk. The one thing I found really difficult was cluster feeding and the fact that he just wanted to sleep in my arms. When I would go to lay him down in his crib, he would scream as if it were hot lava. As I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks, I would usually just let him nap on me. I watched a lot of TV and read a few books. That’s also why I wasn’t blogging then, I had a newborn permanently attached to me!

After about 6-8 weeks my PUPPPs finally went away and I mentally started to feel better. We also got the Owlet Sleep Sock and the breathable Newton mattress which did wonders for my night-time anxiety about him sleeping. My mom also came and stayed with us for about a month and helped me get back on my feet. She cooked healthy meals and helped me navigate my anxiety. She helped me give him his first few baths, which was extremely helpful because I was so scared to wash him!

Nearly 6 months later, I’m in a much healthier state and Archie is a healthy, happy little cherub. He’s weighing around 15lbs and we’re excited to start him on solids soon! He’s lifting up his chest and rolling front to back. He babbles, blows bubbles, loves music, and going out to see the chickens. Truthfully, we don’t get out as much as we should. The pandemic has completely turned me into a homebody. I consider it a big day out when I have to go anywhere further than 15 minutes away!

We just see close family and sometimes I’ll get together with other moms who I know have also been quarantining. Having a baby in 2020 was truly a unique experience — there was certainly a lot of anxiety. John had a hard time finding work for a while and I was in the last stages of my pregnancy when the pandemic really hit and of course I was so nervous to lose my job and health insurance in case there were COVID related lay-offs. The last stage of my pregnancy was also really lonely. When the pandemic fully hit in March and everything shut down, we were immediately isolated. I was “fine”, but I’m wondering if part of what triggered my PPA was that sense of loneliness in not being able to see friends, family, and coworkers.

Anyway, while today we’re still in a pandemic, my mental health is phenomenal compared to where it was. I’m working full-time and balancing Archie at home full-time and while that can get a little crazy, it’s been amazing to watch him grow and change every day. I’ve taken up a lot of my old hobbies which has felt amazing and I’ve made a ton of amazing new mom friends on Instagram. The best part is finally getting back into blogging!

I hope you enjoyed reading our birth story!

Does Archie look more like mom or dad?

Here are some baby pictures of when John and I were babies! Who do you think Archie looks like more?

Picture of Archie from newborn to 4 months for comparison!

Let me know in the comments below who you think he looks more like!

Until next time and thanks for reading!